i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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