...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
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