So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
