I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
