What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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