I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
She even gives head with a lisp.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
