you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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