Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
