It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
