We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
