Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
