Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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