So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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