I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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