I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
