you turned your livingroom into a bong?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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