What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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