miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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