butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
