youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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