Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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