I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
