I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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