Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
