ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
