i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
