it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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