First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
