after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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