Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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