Can i not drive my cunt home
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
