What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Randomize
