the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
