you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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