i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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