he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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