In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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