How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
