I just pynch a tree in the face
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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