You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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