Someone shit on the floor
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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