Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
