Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
