I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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