I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
