you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
