my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
