I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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