tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
