Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
