Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
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The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
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I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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