Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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