my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
