Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
