ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
