Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
